Twitter Commies

Information from The State of Sarkhan Official Records
Quit ya Stalin'

📱 From iPhone With Solidarity: The Curious Case of Twitter Communists

“Seize the means of production!” tweets @Marx4Eva… from an iPhone 15 Pro Max with 1TB storage, while sipping a half-caf oat milk latte inside a gentrified café that used to be a soup kitchen. Welcome to the hyper-connected digital revolution, where irony isn’t just alive — it’s thriving in 4K OLED.

Communism.exe Has Encountered an Internal Consistency Error

You see them every day on Twitter — sorry, 𝕏 (as Lord Musk hath decreed) — posting long threads about abolishing landlords, redistributing wealth, and how capitalism has rotted society from the inside out.

All very good points, comrade.

Until you realize:

  • Their profile pic is generated by AI (running on AWS cloud infrastructure),
  • They schedule their revolution propaganda with TweetDeck Premium, and
  • They film their anti-capitalist TikToks with cinematic stabilization on a $1,399 Apple device, manufactured by overworked assembly line workers in Shenzhen.

Because nothing says ‘workers of the world unite’ quite like blue bubble texts and AirDrop.

Posted from iPhone 16 Pro Max 5G

Digital Leninists in a Capitalist Playground

Let’s break this down. These modern net-Marxists:

  • Stream Marxist-Leninist lectures via YouTube Premium,
  • Post threads on Trotsky using a phone made by one of the largest capitalist firms in human history,
  • Order Che Guevara shirts from Amazon,
  • And advocate for planned economies from their $2,800 MacBooks, while connected to 1Gbps fiber paid with their Patreon donations.

Historical communists, meanwhile, were busy:

  • Queueing three hours for bread,
  • Listening to state-run radio with one sanctioned channel,
  • Owning one pair of government-issued shoes,
  • And fearing the knock at the door at 2am — not a package notification from FedEx.

The iPhone Revolution™️: Powered by Surplus Labor

Let’s be real. If you tweet about smashing capitalism while using a device made by the very system you claim to hate, you’re not a revolutionary — you’re just cosplaying as one.

You’re living in a world that lets you scream “no gods, no masters” while being GPS-tracked by at least 5 big tech companies who monetized your scream before you even hit send.

And while you yearn for the purity of the proletariat struggle, you're door-dashing bubble tea and turning your iPhone into a portable Marxism machine.

Final Thoughts From the Ministry of Irony

Communism on Twitter has become a lifestyle brand — aesthetically pleasing, performative, and algorithmically favored.

But just remember, if your idea of revolution requires a social media platform owned by a billionaire, a device made in an exploitative supply chain, and a subscription to Notion for planning worker uprisings, then maybe — just maybe — you’re not storming the Bastille.

You’re just LARPing in 4K, sipping ethically sourced espresso, and hoping the algorithm puts your Karl Marx meme thread on the trending page.

Welcome to the revolution — please update to iOS 18.0 to continue.

What If Communism was Real?

📻 If Zoomer Twitter Communists Lived Under Actual Communism (a.k.a. What If the USSR Won WW2)

Subtitle: “My Manifesto Won’t Load Because the Dial-Up Line is State-Rationed”

In an alternate timeline, where Russia wins World War II and installs true communism across the globe, Twitter wouldn’t even exist. You’d be posting on People’s Centralized Thoughtboard, a state-run bulletin system moderated by the Ministry of Appropriate Ideas, version 2.3 (hotfixed after last month’s LeninGPT hallucinated a meme of Stalin breakdancing on the Berlin Wall).

Let’s be clear, comrade:

The dream of today’s Zoomer Communists would become a pixelated, grayscale nightmare from the past.

🪞 “No, You Cannot Customize Your Profile Picture, Citizen”

Let’s imagine a day in the life of a Zoomer Comrade under Global Soviet Rule:

  • You wake up in your 9m² Khrushchyovka, assigned by the Department of Family Size and Minimum Space Efficiency.
  • Your government-issued smartphone (the RedPhone 9) boots up after 4 minutes of bootloader verification by CommissarOS.
  • You attempt to log into Thoughtboard to post your daily meme, but the servers are down because you’re only allocated 15 minutes of internet access per day, and it’s currently reserved for Agricultural Output Reporting.
  • Your meme image (a vintage Stalin + catgirl edit) is flagged by the Committee for Artistic Reinterpretation as "decadent" and you're now temporarily relocated to a Siberian Data Re-education Farm to grow potatoes using DALL¡E-generated instructions.

🪑 Influencers? Nyet. Only “Approved Voices of the People™️”

You liked those infographic slides about landlords being parasites?

Now, you’ll be reading state-issued pamphlets in Comic Sans Cyrillic with titles like:

  • “Why Rent is Evil, But State Housing Units Are Love”
  • “How to Tell if You’re Secretly Bourgeois: A Self-Criticism Guide”
  • “Karl Marx’s Top 5 Beard Maintenance Tips”

And forget OnlyFans. Under actual communism, it’s called OnlyComrades, and it’s used exclusively to share toothpaste-saving tutorials and motivational quotes from factory managers.

📸 Zoomer Fit Checks Become Uniform Compliance Reviews

Thinking of flexing that Depop thrifted camo jacket?

You now wear standardized boiler suits, color-coded by industry:

  • Grey for factory workers
  • Brown for potato harvesters
  • Black for Thoughtboard Moderators
  • And bright red if you said something spicy about Lenin’s mustache that one time and got permanently shadowbanned from air travel

Shoes? You’ll get one pair a year. If they don’t fit, “Grow into it, comrade.”

🍔 The Commissar Will See You Now (About Your Burger Tweet)

If you dare complain about the cafeteria food ("the borscht was lukewarm"), expect a formal reprimand letter from the People’s Culinary Oversight Division. It reads:

"Criticism of communal borscht undermines the culinary sovereignty of the State. You are scheduled for palate recalibration training next Wednesday."

The worst part? No UberEats. You are the delivery guy now. For the next 3 years.

🎮 Gaming? You’ll Love “Call of Duty: Hero of Tractor Production”

Red Red Redemption

Instead of Call of Duty or Fortnite, all games are replaced with:

  • Papers, Comrade — an endless bureaucracy simulator
  • StalinCraft — where you mine gulag stones and craft Five-Year Plans
  • Red Red Redemption — an emotional narrative game about repenting for your cousin’s decadent art career

Streaming? The only Twitch allowed is real footage of workers twitching from overwork in titanium mines.

🧠 And if you try to resist?

Say goodbye to your Discord server and hello to Collective Housing Unit #364A, where your only channel is “General”, and everyone is AFK except the informant.

Remember that iPhone you tweeted revolution from? Now it’s a paperweight. And paper is expensive.

Final Thought from People's Satirical Commissariat™

You wanted equality, and you got it:

Everyone equally miserable, equally under surveillance, and equally late to their Potato Re-Education Livestream (hosted by Chairman Vlad, the #1 Thoughtfluencer on GovTube).

So, next time you tweet “eat the rich” from your ergonomic desk setup, powered by NVIDIA RTX 5090 and a $10 Starbucks frappe, remember:

In true communism, you wouldn't eat the rich.

You'd fill out Form 48-B to request a canned meat voucher, wait six months, and then discover it was actually horse.

"Workers of the World, Log Off" — because in this timeline, the VPN is illegal.

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