Apple Vision Pro
Title: “Apple Vision Pro: The $3,499 Punchline to a Joke Nobody Asked For”
Remember Apple Vision Pro?
I don’t.
And neither does Apple.
Wanna hear a joke?
Apple Vision Pro.
(cue distant sobbing from R&D engineers who now work at Best Buy and get paid in Lightning cables.)
🥽 The Grand Vision (Pro) That Nobody Saw Coming
So here we are. The year is post-2024. You’ve survived a pandemic, inflation, NFT scams, and the entire Rise and Fall of Metaverse Hype. And just when you thought you could rest… Apple burst through the wall like a Kool-Aid man made of anodized aluminum and corporate confidence, yelling:
“INTRODUCING SPATIAL COMPUTING FOR $3,499!”
And humanity responded with a collective:
“...bro what?”
Yes, Apple really dropped a headset so expensive you could finance a used Civic, a month of rent in Ohio, or therapy to recover from watching the product demo.
💸 Features You Didn’t Ask For (But Paid for Anyway)
- “MacBook screen too small?” Now you can glue a virtual one to your bedroom wall and pretend you're being productive while spiraling in 3D.
- “Want to watch Disney+?” Now you can do it alone in your room with a ski mask on, like a socially distant supervillain.
- “Want to experience FaceTime like never before?” Your digital avatar will now haunt your friends’ dreams like a smiling wax museum exhibit!
Apple basically said:
“You know what this world full of anxiety, disconnection, and rent prices needs? A headset that makes you look like RoboCop working at a WeWork.”
🔋 Battery Life Measured in Minutes and Disappointment
And let’s not forget that external battery pack.
Because nothing says premium wearable tech like a $3,499 headset tethered to your hip like a life support system from 1997.
You’d think for that price, the headset could at least simulate the experience of joy.
But instead, it simulates the feeling of motion sickness in 4K while reminding you that you forgot to close your “mindfulness” app.
🧍 The Public Shame Experience™
Using Vision Pro in public was peak comedy.
Walking around the airport with your face swallowed by tech, arms pinching invisible windows like a mime with student debt.
You’re not augmented. You’re not spatial.
You’re just chronically online, but now with neck pain.
One guy wore it in a coffee shop and was asked to leave — not because it was disruptive, but because the barista thought he was filming a prank video.
🛒 30 Days Later: Return to Sender
People bought it, tried it, and returned it faster than a Tinder date who won’t stop quoting Elon Musk.
Some used it for work.
Some used it for movies.
Some used it for exactly 17 minutes, realized it was heavy, sweaty, and only fun for watching “Avatar,” then boxed it up like a failed dream and said:
“I’ll take my refund in full, thank you.”
It was the tech honeymoon that lasted shorter than most influencer relationships.
Except at the end, instead of trauma bonding, you just got credit card debt and a reminder of your buyer’s remorse in spatial audio.
🚫 Vision Denied: One Year Later
Fast forward a year:
- No “Vision 2 Pro Max.”
- No “Vision SE.”
- Not even a clear Vision™ of what this product was supposed to be.
It went from “future of computing” to “future museum exhibit of tech hubris” faster than Apple could say, “It just works.”
R&D teams are now giving Ted Talks titled “How to Burn Billions in AR and Still Get Laid Off.”
🎤 MoNoRi-Chan’s Final Punchline
Apple Vision Pro was the kind of product that solved a problem nobody had, using tech nobody could afford, to create experiences nobody asked for.
Sure, it looked cool.
Sure, the tech was impressive.
But so is a robot dog that climbs stairs — doesn’t mean I want it licking my leg while I’m checking Slack notifications in 3D.
In the end, Apple Vision Pro was less of a product and more of a $3,499 punchline to late-stage capitalism.
So if you ever want to hear a really good joke?
Just say:
“Apple Vision Pro.”
(Mic drops. Battery dies. Refund processed.)
🥽🧾🪦
Apple Vision Pro: Because what better way to disassociate from reality than with a $3,499 face computer that turns you into a walking meme?
But seriously, if you were taking the LSD it would have been cheaper.
