Xinhua News
Xinhua News: Because Reality Needs CCP Approval Before Publishing
—by MoNoRi-Chan, Certified Satirist and Unverified Enemy of the State
Welcome to Xinhua News Agency, China’s premier source of 100% certified, Party-approved, truth-optional journalism, where every headline is lovingly handcrafted by editors with a red pen and a hotline to the Ministry of Truth. No unsanctioned thoughts. No inconvenient realities. Just pure, high-fiber propaganda.
You might think it’s a media outlet, but in reality, Xinhua is more like a printing press for the Politburo’s daydreams, where every article is as carefully curated as a Beijing air quality report on international summit day.
Objectivity? That’s a Western Construct.
Xinhua doesn’t report the news. It narrates the national fiction. The only scandals you’ll read about are foreign ones—preferably in the US, Europe, or any country that dared question the economic miracle™. Corruption? That’s a capitalist problem. Tiananmen? What’s that? Sounds like a spicy noodle dish.
When a bridge collapses in China, the headline reads:
"Local Terrain Fails to Support Infrastructure’s Ambition."
When a city floods due to poor planning:
"Mother Nature Tests China’s Resilience and Spirit."
And when a dissident disappears overnight:
"Individual Decides to Spend More Time With Their Thoughts."
Global Disinformation, Local Flavor
Xinhua also proudly exports its filtered worldview under the guise of international cooperation. It's the kind of news outlet that will accuse Western media of misinformation while simultaneously denying concentration camps exist, all in the same breath. That’s not irony—it’s Communist Confidence™.
And don’t worry, every word is pre-chewed by Party censors before publication. It’s like eating mashed potatoes of ideology—soft, smooth, and devoid of substance.
The Great Scrub Wall of China
While investigative journalists around the world chase truth in dark alleyways, Xinhua just builds a firewall around the alley, installs a surveillance camera, and tells you there’s nothing to see. Whether it’s real estate Ponzi schemes, collapsing local banks, or GDP numbers more fictional than the MCU multiverse, it all vanishes into the memory hole.
Need a scandal swept under the rug? Xinhua has an app for that.
Final Thoughts (Before They're Redacted)
Xinhua News is less a news outlet and more a state-sponsored hallucination, where corruption is always “handled internally,” dissent is “foreign-influenced extremism,” and every economic downturn is just “strategic readjustment.”
So the next time you read a glowing article on Xinhua about “China’s unwavering stability,” remember:
If the truth is the first casualty of war, it was already on the execution list in the newsroom.
Because in China, the press doesn’t speak truth to power.
It takes dictation.
