Women (Agents of the State)
Women Are the Federal Agents of the State: A Satirical Tale of Population Control and Misogynistic Madness
In a world where every conspiracy theory seems more plausible than the last, one stands above the rest in its sheer absurdity: the idea that women are secretly federal agents of the state, placed here to ensure the continuation of the human species and maintain the sacred taxpayer base. Yes, the very women who ask for the pickles to be removed from their burgers or send you TikToks at 3 a.m. are, in fact, undercover operatives of Big Population Control.
But what if this "truth" were exposed? What if the misogynists—the self-proclaimed "alpha males" of the internet—decided to rise up against this perceived betrayal? Strap in, because this hypothetical is as wild as it gets.
The Grand Exposure of Big Population Control
One fateful day, a whistleblower (code name: Chadthulhu69) uploads a shocking revelation to Reddit. His thread claims to have uncovered classified documents proving that women were not placed on this Earth naturally, but were engineered by the state to fulfill an unspoken agenda: procreation, societal stability, and—most importantly—keeping the government’s tax revenues flowing.
The evidence is damning:
- Women always seem to talk about "biological clocks." Clearly, a programmed state mechanism.
- They mysteriously stop talking to men who spend 12 hours a day gaming. Why? Because these men aren't contributing to the GDP!
- Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, and even Taco Tuesday—all created to manipulate men into buying things, ensuring the economy stays afloat.
With this “revelation” in hand, Chadthulhu69’s post goes viral. Social media erupts. Misogynists everywhere feel validated: “We knew it! Women are NPCs for the government!”
The Misogynist Uprising
Fueled by this newfound "knowledge," the misogynists rally. Their plan? To reject women entirely and dismantle the system that relies on them. They call it “Operation No Babies, No Taxes.”
- Step one: Refuse all romantic relationships.
- Step two: Abstain from procreation.
- Step three: Build a society exclusively for men where no one gets nagged about taking out the trash.
The misogynists envision a utopia—a world free from the tyranny of state-sponsored agents who allegedly use "love" and "emotional connection" as weapons.
The Collapse Begins
At first, their rebellion seems to work. Birth rates plummet as fewer people pair off to have children. Hospitals report a sharp decline in maternity wards, and diaper companies start to go bankrupt. The government, once flush with income tax revenue from a stable working-age population, begins to panic.
But the cracks in the plan quickly appear.
- Trash Piles Up: In their all-male utopia, no one takes out the garbage. Entire cities become unlivable.
- No More Sandwiches: The misogynists realize too late that not all sandwiches are made by women. However, their refusal to cooperate with others leads to widespread starvation.
- Infrastructure Meltdown: Without a next generation to train as engineers, doctors, and teachers, society’s foundations begin to crumble. No one knows how to fix a server, let alone maintain a power grid.
Worse yet, their own anti-woman rhetoric comes back to haunt them. Some of them begin to whisper, “Wait… was the state right all along?”
The Return of the Agents
Meanwhile, the so-called “federal agents” (read: literally all women) watch the chaos from a distance. A world without them? It’s not pretty. To make matters worse, even the remaining male population is dwindling due to an epidemic of gaming-related carpal tunnel and poorly thought-out stunts to "prove dominance."
Realizing the dire situation, the women launch "Operation Save Humanity." They step forward—not as secret agents, but as humans who know that the survival of the species depends on cooperation. Misogynists are reintroduced to basic concepts like empathy, teamwork, and the realization that taxes aren’t the worst thing in the world.
The transition is rocky. Some men refuse to give up their anti-agent stance, claiming that women only return to save the state’s “taxpayer base.” But when confronted with logic—namely, “Who else is going to birth the next generation?”—most begrudgingly accept reality.
The Moral of the Story
Let’s be real: women aren’t secret federal agents (unless some of them are, in which case… cool?). They’re human beings, essential to the survival of the species and the functioning of society. The moment we lose sight of that is the moment we doom ourselves.
Without women, there are no children. Without children, there’s no future. Without a future, there’s no one left to pay taxes, play Call of Duty, or create memes about the late-stage capitalist hellscape we’re all trying to survive.
So, next time someone suggests that women are part of some grand conspiracy, remind them: Maybe women aren’t the problem. Maybe it’s the conspiracy theorist in the mirror.
Risks of the Collapse
If this bizarre scenario teaches us anything, it’s that cooperation, respect, and shared responsibility are the glue holding society together. Dismissing half the population as “agents of the state” isn’t just silly—it’s a one-way ticket to extinction.
And let’s face it, misogynists wouldn’t last long without the Wi-Fi password.
