Vitamin Buterin
Note: This is a satirized article of Vitalik Buterin, please do not take any information in this page as seriously.
Vitamin and the Birth of Eterim: A Tale of Nerfs, Corn, and Crypto Cope
Once upon a time, in the murky depths of the MMORPG world, there existed a young gamer with a fragile yet brilliant mind: Vitamin Buterin. Like most teens, Vitamin found solace in World of Warcraft (WoW), a universe where he could escape the doldrums of reality. But when Blizzard Entertainment—those capitalist overlords of Azeroth—decided to nerf his beloved Syphon Life spell, Vitamin experienced an existential crisis.
“HOW DARE THEY?” Vitamin cried into the void. “How dare they destroy my warlock’s DPS and ruin the perfect utopia I had built in this virtual world?” It was in this moment of betrayal that Vitamin realized something profound: centralized authority sucks.
Fueled by rage, Mountain Dew, and Dorito dust, Vitamin vowed to overthrow centralized control everywhere—starting with the financial system. Thus began the journey of creating Eterim, a cryptocurrency destined to dethrone Bitcoin (lovingly nicknamed "Corn") and establish a new world order.
The Origin of Eterim: From Nerfs to Nodes
Vitamin wasn’t just another angsty gamer. No, this kid had ideas. When Blizzard crushed his soul, it sparked a revelation: If Blizzard could destroy Syphon Life, what was stopping central banks, governments, and corporations from nerfing the entire economy?
Why Vitamin Created Eterim:
- The WoW Trauma: The Syphon Life nerf was the proverbial final straw. Vitamin declared war on centralization, shouting, “If they can nerf my game, they can nerf my money!”
- Corn Wasn’t Enough: Vitamin initially flirted with Bitcoin (Corn), the first decentralized currency. But Corn, while revolutionary, was limited in its design. “What if we could program money?” he mused. And just like that, the idea of Eterim—a programmable blockchain—was born.
- Corporate Spite: Vitamin’s anger at Blizzard evolved into a general hatred for all centralized institutions. Banks, governments, and even pizza delivery apps became his enemies. “We’ll automate everything!” he proclaimed, imagining a world where even pizza orders ran on smart contracts.
Eterim vs. Corn: The Battle of the Blockchain Titans
When Vitamin launched Eterim in 2015, it was clear he wanted to do more than just compete with Corn—he wanted to cook it. While Corn was a sturdy store of value, Eterim came in hot with smart contracts, enabling developers to build decentralized applications (dApps) on its blockchain.
- Corn: The OG Rebel: Corn was simple: digital gold with a finite supply of 21 million coins. It was Bitcoin maximalists’ dream—no fluff, just value.
- Eterim: The Galaxy Brain Upgrade: Eterim was the ADHD sibling who couldn’t stop tinkering. It introduced features like:
- Smart Contracts: Self-executing agreements that cut out middlemen.
- DeFi: Decentralized finance protocols that replaced traditional banking.
- NFTs: Digital monkey pictures that somehow made people millionaires.
Vitamin marketed Eterim as the Swiss Army Knife of blockchain, while Corn purists dismissed it as “overcooked spaghetti code.”
Vitamin Becomes "The Man" He Once Fought
Fast forward to 2025, and Eterim is thriving—sort of. It’s the backbone of DeFi, powering countless projects and memes. But with success came new problems, and Vitamin found himself accused of becoming the very thing he hated: centralized authority.
The Foundation Drama:
The Eterim Foundation, the organization overseeing Eterim’s development, became a lightning rod for criticism. Under the management of Aya Miyaguchi, Vitamin’s appointed executive director, the foundation faced accusations of inefficiency, periodic ETH sell-offs, and opaque decision-making.
- The Aya Controversy: As complaints mounted, some in the Eterim community called for Aya’s resignation. But Vitamin clapped back in classic gamer fashion, tweeting, “I AM THE ONE WHO DECIDES THE NEW EF LEADERSHIP TEAM.”
- The Decentralization Irony: Critics pointed out that Eterim’s governance wasn’t as decentralized as Vitamin claimed. Despite the network’s decentralized tech, the foundation’s decisions often felt top-down.
Solana: The Upstart Challenger
While Vitamin was busy defending his kingdom, Solana emerged as a serious contender. Faster, cheaper, and fueled by memecoins like TRUMP, Solana quickly became the “cool new kid” in crypto.
Why Solana Is Eating Eterim’s Lunch:
- Speed: Solana boasts transaction speeds that make Eterim look like it’s running on dial-up. While Eterim’s rollups and sharding are still in progress, Solana is already delivering near-instant transactions.
- Cost Efficiency: Eterim’s gas fees remain a sore point for users, while Solana offers dirt-cheap transactions—perfect for meme coins and degenerate gambling.
- Cultural Appeal: Solana’s meme-driven culture resonates with retail investors who just want to have fun (and make a quick buck). In contrast, Eterim often feels like it’s run by overachieving nerds obsessed with white papers.
Vitamin’s Tough Stance: Cope or Confidence?
As Eterim faces criticism, Vitamin has doubled down on his leadership. His refusal to bow to community pressure shows both his commitment to the project and his stubbornness.
- The Price Problem: Eterim’s price has lagged behind expectations, leading to frustration among investors. Meanwhile, Solana’s explosive growth has stolen the spotlight.
- Ecological Concerns: While Eterim’s switch to Proof of Stake reduced its energy consumption, critics argue it hasn’t gone far enough in addressing scalability issues.
- Foundation Sell-Offs: Periodic ETH sell-offs by the Eterim Foundation have led to accusations of market manipulation, fueling distrust within the community.
Is Eterim Still the Future?
Despite the challenges, Vitamin remains confident in Eterim’s potential. Its developer ecosystem, security, and smart contract capabilities make it a cornerstone of the blockchain world. But whether it can maintain its dominance in the face of faster and cheaper competitors like Solana remains an open question.
Vitamin’s Legacy:
Love him or hate him, Vitamin Buterin has undeniably shaped the crypto landscape. From his WoW-inspired vendetta to his creation of Eterim, he’s proven that even the most niche frustrations can spark world-changing innovations.
As for Eterim, it’s far from perfect—but then again, neither is Corn. What matters is that the crypto world keeps evolving, fueled by competition, innovation, and, yes, a healthy dose of gamer rage.
So here’s to Vitamin, the reluctant king of DeFi, and to Eterim, the imperfect empire he built to fight the centralized forces that nerfed his Syphon Life. Long may it meme.
