Unfortunate Cookies
Unfortunate Cookies
Baked with bitterness, sprinkled with passive aggression, and stuffed with truth no one asked for.
1. “You will not go very far in your life.”
Comment: At least it’s better than going far in debt.
2. “The only winner of the lottery is the one who organized it.”
Comment: Congratulations, you've been statistically mocked by a biscuit.
3. “Your job will not love you back.”
Comment: HR: “We’re a family.” The fortune cookie: “You’re adopted.”
4. “The person you like will treat your messages like spam.”
Comment: Sent at 2:03 AM. Left on read since 2022.
5. “You will live to see AI replace your profession, but not your rent.”
Comment: At least the robot doesn’t cry in the bathroom stall.
6. “Tomorrow holds... slightly more disappointment.”
Comment: The optimist says: “At least it’s not more disappointment.”
7. “The rich will get richer. You will get a new subscription fee.”
Comment: Adobe just charged you for breathing.
8. “You are not the main character.”
Comment: Welcome to background NPC energy. Would you like to continue sweeping?
9. “You will find your purpose. But you won’t be able to monetize it.”
Comment: Late capitalism: Discover passion, die broke.
10. “Love will find you. Unfortunately, it’ll be an MLM rep from high school.”
Comment: “Hey girlie! I have an opportunity that changed my life…”
11. “Your data is already sold. You just opened the packaging.”
Comment: This fortune brought to you by Meta™.
12. “You are the villain in someone else’s story. And they’re doing better than you.”
Comment: They healed. You’re still holding the grudge and the WiFi bill.
13. “You will survive everything… only to pay taxes on it.”
Comment: Death and taxes. Only one gets an extension.
14. “You’ve already peaked. No one told you because they felt bad.”
Comment: That third-place spelling bee in 2006? Yeah, that was it.
15. “Your parents are proud. Just not of you specifically.”
Comment: The dog’s doing really well, though.
Bonus Corporate Edition:
“Please scan this QR code to reveal your fortune.”
Redirects to a broken link. Charges $2.99.
Comment: Even the cookie is microtransaction-based now.
Extra Crispy Edition
1. “You were born too late to own a house, and too early to upload your consciousness.”
Comment: But right on time to get 3 ads before a YouTube video about minimalism.
2. “You will work until you die. Your funeral will be crowdfunded.”
Comment: Stretch goal: An actual coffin. Otherwise it’s a cardboard box from Costco.
3. “Your passion project will become a side hustle. Your side hustle will become your 2nd job. Your joy will be repossessed.”
Comment: At least the IRS doesn’t tax dreams. Yet.
4. “Your next promotion is self-care. Unpaid, of course.”
Comment: HR sent a “Wellness Newsletter” instead of a raise.
5. “You are replaceable. Not even by a robot. Just someone more desperate.”
Comment: Welcome to the gig economy, where the prize is exposure and back pain.
6. “You will finally achieve work-life balance… by merging them completely.”
Comment: Your office is your bedroom. Your sleep is your lunch break. Congrats!
7. “You will discover a new purpose in life. Unfortunately, it’s Amazon Prime delivery driver.”
Comment: 2-day shipping. 2-hour existential dread.
8. “In 10 years, you’ll own nothing and be happy. Or own everything and be indicted.”
Comment: Choose your dystopia: Rent forever or become a crypto bro.
9. “You just bought an NFT of a house. Now live in it, coward.”
Comment: Floor price: evaporated. Rent price: still climbing.
10. “You’ve made it! You are now middle class… in 1993.”
Comment: You earn $60k but eggs cost $12. Welcome to Millennial Monopoly.
11. “You’ve been upgraded to ‘loyal customer.’ This entitles you to absolutely nothing.”
Comment: Except 20% off your own dignity with code: L8STAGE.
12. “You survived the pandemic, inflation, layoffs, and student loans. Here’s a participation ribbon.”
Comment: Spoiler: the ribbon is a reusable shopping bag.
13. “Love is free. But wedding venues start at $25,000.”
Comment: And the photographer just asked if you want the JPEGs unlocked.
14. “Your soulmate swiped left. But Temu just shipped 400 LED keychains to your door for $2.39.”
Comment: Who needs companionship when you have glow-in-the-dark savings?
15. “Capitalism says you’re a brand. Unfortunately, your ROI is emotional damage.”
Comment: You peaked at 240 followers and a mental breakdown.
Trader Edition
For Stock Traders & Crypto Bros
1. “You are not early. You are exit liquidity.”
Comment: Thank you for your sacrifice. Your funds now belong to Smart Money.
2. “The chart looks bullish… until it doesn’t.”
Comment: That’s not a bull flag. That’s the noose tightening around your margin account.
3. “You longed the top and shorted the bottom. At this point, just buy a Magic 8 Ball.”
Comment: “Outlook not so good” is more accurate than your TA anyway.
4. “You will wake up one day, open your portfolio, and then promptly close it again.”
Comment: It's not a loss if you never check it. Schrödinger’s net worth.
5. “Bitcoin will hit $1 million… the moment you sell at $29,432.”
Comment: You are the inverse signal. Institutions monitor your trades specifically.
6. “You said ‘this is the last time I buy the dip’ 6 dips ago.”
Comment: DCA? More like Doomed Capital Allocation.
7. “You went all in on a meme coin. The joke’s on you now.”
Comment: Pepe didn’t rug you. Your ego did.
8. “Don’t worry, the market always recovers… but not your portfolio.”
Comment: SPY goes up. You went down. Make it make sense.
9. “You took profits too early and losses too late. Classic.”
Comment: Your trading strategy is called “Emotional Damage v2.”
10. “You subscribed to 5 paid signal groups and ignored every single one.”
Comment: But that $69 NFT PFP still slaps, bro.
Touch Grass Edition
11. “The real pump is Vitamin D. Go outside.”
Comment: Your portfolio isn’t green, but at least the lawn is.
12. “There are no candles in the forest. Only peace.”
Comment: Nature doesn’t have RSI. But it does have serotonin.
13. “No one cares about your entry price under a waterfall.”
Comment: You can't draw fib lines on a hiking trail. And that's the point.
14. “Your dopamine is trapped in the 5-minute chart. Go reclaim it.”
Comment: Remember what joy felt like before you learned what a wedge pattern is?
15. “The trees outside don’t charge gas fees.”
Comment: Ethereum can't give you shade. [[Touch] tree. Pet dog. Log out.
