Techspeak
Techspeak: The Newest Dialect of Corporate Doublespeak You Already Agreed To
—A crash course in Orwellian linguistics for the Digital Age—
In George Orwell’s 1984, “doublespeak” was the language of totalitarianism—designed to obfuscate, pacify, and manipulate. Fast forward to 2025, and tech companies have taken that concept, slapped a UX-friendly font on it, and called it “user-centric design.” Welcome to the slippery, silicon-soaked tongue known as Techspeak™—where meaning is optional, accountability is abstract, and “you have a choice” really means “we've already decided for you.”
Common Techspeak-to-English Translations
“We value your privacy.”
Translation:
We value your data. And the more private you think it is, the more we can auction it off to third-party “partners” you’ve never heard of.
“By continuing to use this site, you agree to our terms.”
Translation:
You clicked one pixel outside the pop-up. Boom. You’ve now agreed to a 200-page manifesto that allows us to track your location, scan your emails, and sell your serotonin levels to an ad agency.
“We use cookies to improve your experience.”
Translation:
We will shove cookies into every orifice of your browser whether you want them or not. Decline all you want—we’ve already stored your user agent string in 7 different data centers.
“We honor your choices.”
Translation:
Except when we don’t. You toggled that privacy setting off? Don’t worry—we’ll just ignore it during our next “performance improvement rollout.”
“Your account has been flagged for violating our Terms of Service.”
Translation:
You’ve been terminated. We will provide no specifics, no context, and no appeal process. Asking for details is itself a ToS violation.
“This is a community guideline enforcement action.”
Translation:
We received one mass-reported complaint from a user with a blue checkmark. You’ve been shadowbanned harder than the truth in a PR department.
“We’re sunsetting this feature.”
Translation:
We’re killing it. Probably because it was useful and didn’t generate revenue. Long live microtransactions.
“This change is to enhance your experience.”
Translation:
We broke everything, moved all the buttons, and forced you to relearn an interface because our new VP read a Medium article about gamification.
Terms of Service: The Fine Print That Fines You
ToS agreements in Techspeak are marvels of engineered ambiguity. Designed not to be read, but to be weaponized. You don't use the product. The product uses you—then revokes your account for breaking a rule you didn’t even know existed.
Want to protest your account deletion?
Sorry. That’s a violation of Clause 12b: Excessive Complaining.
Want a human to review it?
You’ll get an AI-generated response that says:
“We understand your concern. This matter has been escalated to our specialist team.”
(They don’t exist. You’ve been escalated straight to the trash bin.)
“We’re Listening”: A Lie as a Service
Techspeak’s deadliest weapon is the illusion of empathy.
- “We’re listening.” = We muted the thread.
- “Thank you for your feedback.” = We used it to train our machine learning model to better ignore you.
- “Our engineers are aware of the issue.” = They laughed at it in Slack and then went back to Nerf wars in the office.
How to Speak Techspeak at Home
Just apply this simple formula:
- Replace action with ambiguity.
- Replace responsibility with algorithms.
- Say "improve" when you mean "monetize."
Example:
Instead of saying: “We sold your location data to an ad company,”
Say: “We partnered with third-party vendors to enhance geospatial targeting.”
Boom. You’re fluent.
The Final Translation
When a tech company says,
“You’re in control of your experience,”
what they really mean is:
“We control the experience, and you’re just along for the Terms-of-Service ride.”
Next week on The Techno-Dystopia Digest:
“Your Microphone is Always On: How Alexa and Siri Became the Roommates That Narc on You to Brands.”
