Pull Requests
Pull Requests: The Grand Illusion of Code Review (A Satirical Tale)
This article talks about Pull Requests—the sacred ritual of modern software development. A hallmark of collaboration. A testament to our dedication to code quality. Or, if we’re being honest, an elaborate way to procrastinate while appearing productive.
A Tale of Two Developers
Meet Junior Dev. Fresh out of bootcamp, idealistic and full of vim (but probably using VS Code). He submits his first Pull Request—a modest 20-line change—and eagerly awaits feedback.
Enter Senior Dev. A battle-hardened engineer who hasn’t seen the sun since that ill-fated migration to Kubernetes. He opens the PR.
Files Changed: 7
Lines Added: 402
Lines Removed: 146
Senior Dev squints. He scrolls. He scrolls some more. He contemplates life choices. He reads the title:
"Fixed Bug."
The description:
"It works now."
A single tear rolls down his cheek.
The PR Review Cycle: A Farce in Five Acts
- The Scroll of Fate First things first—click the “Files Changed” tab. It’s like opening a fridge and hoping food magically appeared. Instead, you’re greeted by a sprawling tapestry of changes, nested functions, and forgotten dreams.
- The 5-Second Review You spot something that looks vaguely familiar—maybe a variable name, perhaps an import statement. Surely it’s fine. That one looks like a loop—loops are good, right? Whatever.
- The Pre-Approval Doubt Hover over the “Approve” button. A tiny voice in the back of your mind whispers: Maybe you should read it? You silence it. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
- The Senior Dev Move Click "Approve." After all, it compiled on their machine, didn’t it? YOLO-driven development never fails. Mark it as "Looks good to me (LGTM)." Efficiency is key.
- The Post-Merge Chaos Production explodes in flames three hours later. Everyone acts surprised. Clearly, a cosmic event. Blame the intern. Start a retrospective. Change nothing.
Pull Request Best Practices (As Ignored by Everyone)
- Write Detailed Descriptions: No one reads them. Put your grocery list in there.
- Ask for Specific Feedback: Like anyone has the time. Just send a Slack message that says “Merge plz.”
- Break PRs into Small Changes: Because submitting 500 lines of code at once is the hallmark of confidence.
- Review Thoroughly: Just rubber-stamp it. That’s what CI/CD is for.
The Dark Reality of PRs
Here’s the unspoken truth:
- The longer your PR, the less likely it’ll be read.
- If your PR title is "Quick Fix," it's a ticking time bomb.
- Developers approve out of mutual understanding—today it’s your mess, tomorrow it’s theirs.
The Senior Dev’s Motto: Ship It
When in doubt, do as Senior Devs do:
- Open PR.
- Click Approve.
- Lean back in your chair.
- Mutter “Good enough for production.”
- Go grab a coffee.
After all, if something breaks, there’s always a Jira ticket waiting to be created. Why stress over it now? Let the next poor soul deal with it. It’s the circle of tech life—move fast, break things, and hope the test suite catches up someday.
Pull Requests: Because sometimes, software development is just pretending to read documentation while hoping for the best.
