Mr. Hungerford Henry

Alright, Morty, strap in. We're gonna take a burp deep dive into the financial multiverse of one Mr. Hungerford Henry. This Zoomer – whatever the hell that is – thinks he's a HENRY, but we both know he's really an HDNGR. A Hidden Hunger debt-riddled disaster in a McDonald's uniform.

Now, I wouldn't normally give a flying fig about this random paycheck-to-paycheck loser, but wouldn't you know it? His finances burp accidentally materialized on my desk... Probably fell through a portal or some convoluted sci-fi crap. Anyway, back in MY day, before I was the Rick Sanchez, I coulda been this moron. Maxed out credit cards, ramen diet, the whole shebang.

So, here's the Audit, Morty:

• Assets: Cracked smartphone with unpaid data plan, beat-up skateboard (probably stolen), a closet full of hypebeast rags he can't afford to clean.
• Debts: Student loans in default, overdue medical bills, a payday loan with interest rates that would make a Ferengi blush.
• Income: Whatever minimum wage McDonald's coughs up. Disappears faster than a Szechuan sauce packet on release day. Where does it all go? Bar crawls and the latest Yeezys, Morty. Instant gratification for this indebted idiot.

The Difference, Morty? That's where this gets burp interesting. Me? I took my pathetic savings, threw them into some high-risk, potentially world-altering tech. Some went bust, sure, but others... Let's just say I ain't flipping burgers anymore. This Hungerford chump? He's a bonding curve addict of a different kind: spending his last dime on overpriced booze and empty social validation. It's his loss, not mine.

So, who am I doing this audit for? Get this, Morty. It's his potential landlord – some greedy slumlord looking to fleece the next desperate tenant. Wants good ol' Rick Sanchez's seal of approval!

Well, consider this my signature move, Morty:

• Assessment: Unhappy Meal. This guy's finances are more toxic than a vat of Flubber.
• Recommendation: Decline. With extreme prejudice.
• Justification: He's one broken-down car or surprise hospital visit away from total implosion. This ain't a tenant, Morty, it's a ticking time bomb of eviction notices and rent defaults.

And you know what, Morty? Maybe I'll slip a little note in here. A few links to "personal finance for dummies" websites. The kid's gotta learn sometime, right? Maybe he'll figure out Forex and ETFs before he ends up homeless... or accidentally inventing a race of hyper-intelligent squirrels burp like I did that one time...

So there you have it, Morty. Another day, another financial black hole audited by yours truly. Who knew being a genius could be so lucrative, even when it comes to some broke Zoomer's pathetic attempts at adulthood?