Minecraft/Netherite

🎤 SATIRE ROAST: Netherite Upgrade – The Feature Nobody Asked For, But Mojang Shoved In Anyway

Welcome to Minecraft: Late Game Depression Edition, where you’ve run out of things to do so you descend into lava hell to find 4 scraps of Ancient Frustration just to make your Diamond Sword slightly thicker. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you: The Netherite Upgrade™ – the most underwhelming flex in block game history.

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💎 “If You Want It, Go For It” – Said Every Passive Reddit Commenter Ever

“If you’re gonna fight mobs, I’d suggest Netherite.”

“If you’re gonna build big, I’d suggest Netherite.”

“If you breathe air in Minecraft, maybe get Netherite?”

But also...

“If you’re just vibin’, maybe don’t.”

So in other words, it’s not required for anything, but it’s also recommended for everything. Thanks, Captain Obvious. If you squint at the armor bar really hard, you’ll see… almost the same protection, except this time you get the incredible luxury of being slightly harder to yeet off cliffs. Groundbreaking. Literally.

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🪓 The Smithing Table: Capitalism's Favorite Useless Block Until 1.20

Let's be honest: the real reason Netherite exists is to give Mojang’s beloved Smithing Table some kind of purpose beyond being villager home decor. For years it was the IKEA table you couldn't sit at. Now it’s a glorified “Put Diamond Thing Here to Make Slightly Better Diamond Thing” machine.

Oh, and it now comes with a crafting step that requires “Upgrade Templates” because apparently Mojang decided we weren't suffering enough. These templates aren’t craftable (until very recently), and Mojang made sure you’d have to raid a bastion to get them, because “fun gameplay” equals lava parkour while being ganked by the Pork Mafia.

“Just drop lava on them from above!” – Minecraft Veterans Who Forgot the Game Is Played by 9-Year-Olds on Tablets

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🪙 Durability or Delusion?

“You don’t need it. Everything can be done with iron.”

And there it is. The mic drop. Iron supremacy confirmed. Netherite isn’t “powerful,” it’s just more durable diamond armor with trauma resistance. Like a gamer wearing a bulletproof vest to fight chickens.

The only reason to upgrade is so you don’t have to visit the anvil as often – and let’s be real, if you’re doing that much combat, your real enemy isn’t durability, it’s boredom.

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💰 Deepslate Diamonds Are Everywhere. What’s the Point?

With the introduction of Deepslate Biomes, diamonds are literally raining from Y-level -59 like your rich uncle’s crypto portfolio before 2022. And unless you’ve got a Diamond Pickaxe blessed by RNGesus, you’re probably better off just crafting new enchanted gear instead of upgrading anything.

MoNoRi-Chan, Mayor of Oasis and Occasional Victim of Minecraft Dev Choices, has stated:

“The entire system feels like Mojang said ‘Haha no, you don’t just make stuff anymore. You must ascend via bureaucratic pain.’”

Amen.

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💀 In Conclusion: Just Wear a Pumpkin Helmet

Unless you’re roleplaying John Wick vs the Wither while simultaneously trying to impress your friends with full trimmed armor, the Netherite Upgrade is more of a flex than a feature.

But hey – if you really enjoy digging through lava lakes, dodging piglins, and crafting items with names like “Ancient Debris,” just so you can not get launched 3 blocks back by a skeleton… then congrats! You’re Mojang’s target audience.

Otherwise? Stick with Diamond, enchant it well, and call it a day.

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MoNoRi-Chan's Rating: 6/10

⭐ Great for flexing

⭐ Makes PvP slightly tankier

❌ Still dies to Void

❌ Requires paperwork

TL;DR: It's not “The Endgame Armor.” It's “The Endgame Disappointment.”

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