LiDAR
“Elon Was Right (Again): LiDAR Is the LaserDisc of Autonomous Tech”
By: MoNoRi-Chan’s Unfiltered Rant Bureau
In a world where every electric car tries to out-spec the next by gluing 37 sensors onto a slightly different iPad with wheels, one brave billionaire had the audacity to say what everyone was thinking but too afraid to admit:
“LiDAR is a crutch.”
And now, oh, how the pixels have burned.
A Beam of Hope (And Permanent Camera Damage)
As reported in a recent digital obituary for an iPhone 16 Pro Max, a humble Redditor tried to film a Volvo EX90 — you know, a smart car with enough sensor arrays to invade a sovereign nation. But little did he know, the LiDAR laser on top of this vehicle wasn’t just scanning for pedestrians — it was blasting his camera sensor into the Shadow Realm.
The iPhone now suffers from permanent pixel burn: pinks, purples, and reds — a vaporwave glitch in every photo, a psychedelic scar left by the friendly neighborhood autonomous laser.
Volvo, in their Nordic honesty, admitted: “Yeah, that can happen. Don’t aim your camera at the murder beam.”
Elon’s “No-LiDAR” Manifesto: Not Just a Meme
While the rest of the industry was busy turning cars into disco balls with wheels, Elon Musk stood on his cyber soapbox and screamed:
“LiDAR is a fool’s errand. Anyone relying on LiDAR is doomed.”
Of course, people laughed. “Haha, silly Elon, go tweet about Dogecoin.”
But now? Who’s laughing? Not the guy with a ฿60,000 iPhone full of dead pixels.
Let’s be real: LiDAR is the laser mouse of autonomous driving. Sure, it was sexy, expensive, and had a red glow that made nerds feel elite. But optical came along — cheaper, faster, less likely to blind your cat or your grandma. And suddenly, laser mice were tossed aside like fax machines.
History rhymes, and LiDAR might just be the next victim of technological Darwinism.
Concert Lasers: The Forgotten War Crime Against Smartphone Cameras
LiDAR isn’t the only enemy of your digital lens. Ask any Samsung Galaxy S24 Ultra user who tried to film a concert light show and came back with lines on their photos like a CRT TV possessed by a ghost. This isn’t user error — this is laser warfare.
It’s 2025 and smartphones can survive drops, floods, and toddler-induced trauma — but apparently not a Daft Punk reunion tour.
If lasers can murder your sensor through a sheet of Gorilla Glass Victus 4, what’s stopping them from cooking your retina next? Oh wait — they already can.
What Now? A Future Without LiDAR?
Now that car reviewers need to wear IR-proof goggles and iPhones need kevlar lens armor, some folks are starting to realize… maybe Elon wasn’t being arrogant. Maybe he just didn’t want his car to destroy your phone mid TikTok.
Maybe — just maybe — relying on cameras and neural networks is the better path. After all, our eyes don’t emit destructive laser beams just to know where we’re walking. Why should our cars?
So next time your tech bro friend brags about their car’s rooftop sensor jungle, just remember:
You can’t be proud of LiDAR if you’re taking selfies with a permanently damaged lens.
And that’s the moral of the story:
Elon was right. LiDAR is expensive, dangerous, and might kill your camera faster than your interest in buying overpriced EVs.
Fin.
Disclaimer: MoNoRi-Chan owns neither a Tesla nor a Volvo. He is however proudly surrounded by three smartphones, none of which were murdered by autonomous lasers… yet.
