HowTo:Never get a call from Scam Centers
⚠️ WARNING: THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS A SATIRE. ANY RESEMBLANCE TO REAL GOVERNMENTS, INSTITUTIONS, OR TELEMARKETERS IS PURELY A FEATURE, NOT A BUG.
🇹🇭 Thailand 2025: Where Your Data Gets Leaked Before You Finish Typing It
By MoNoRi-Chan, Catboy Citizen, VPN Veteran & 3x Scam Call Survivor
Welcome to the Land of Smiles™, where the pad kra pao is spicy, the roads are lawless, and your personal data is just out there—hanging out on dark web forums like it’s backpacking in Khao San.
📡 ACT I: “We Notified the Authorities. They Left It On Read.”
In modern-day Thailand, data leaks are like Monday traffic: expected, messy, and nobody really knows who's responsible anymore.
From SIM card registration to mandatory national ID verification just to buy a bubble tea, Thai citizens have generously donated their information to countless companies and agencies—some of which have cybersecurity equivalent to a cardboard lock on a temple donation box.
Leaked this month:
- National ID numbers
- Home addresses
- Telephone numbers
- Blood types (for fun)
- That one time you signed up for a rice cooker giveaway in 2013
These are now available on ThaiLeakz69.pw, Scamazon Prime, and the unofficial government GitHub, where interns push config files with .env credentials weekly.
☎️ ACT II: "Hello Khun, We Are From the Cyber Crime Suppression Center of Fictional Province"
Enter the scam call.
“Hello khrap, your identity is used for money laundering in Chiang Rai and possibly buying secondhand iPads. Please press 1 or the Royal Police will investigate.”
Except they don’t hang up when you clearly respond:
“เฮ้ย มึงใครวะ”
Nope. These scam agents are trained. They call back.
They’re persistent.
They’ve got your ID.
They probably have your house blueprints.
But then... enter The MoNoRi-Chan Protocol:
🎭 ACT III: Pretend to be Farang, Avoid National Surveillance
The Scam Center’s Achilles’ heel is English—but not just any English.
You must speak with the unmistakable chaos of a confused foreigner, bonus points if you add Indian tech support flavor:
“Hello sir, can I speak to your manager? I have a concern regarding your extended warranty of my pet elephant, please.”
Within seconds: click
The line goes dead.
Your number gets silently flagged in their CRM as “DO NOT ENGAGE – Too Difficult”.
Congratulations. You’re out of the Matrix.
Your name is now probably “Jonathan Tesla IV” in their system, and you’re free to play Minecraft again.
📉 PLOT B: Meanwhile, in The Royal Decree…
Back in NeoBangkok, Name, the server deity of the Royal Decree Faction, is handling a 207 million packets per second DDoS on their Nexus 9000 like a champ. Where did the DDoS come from?
The same scam center.
"คุณมีพัสดุผิดกฎหมาย กรุณาโทรกลับที่เบอร์ 0XXXXXX'
Turns out, Name accidentally said "คุณไม่ใช่พ่อผม ผมจะโทรไปหาทำไม" to a scammer.
The retaliatory packets flew through space-time, but N9K ate them for breakfast.
No downtime. Just another Tuesday.
🔚 Conclusion: You Are the Firewall Now
In Thailand 2025, you are your own cybersecurity. The government won’t save you. The telcos will sell your number again. The bank will freeze your account for trying to send ฿100 to your friend, but not for the ¥10,000 that left your account at 3AM.
Tips for survival:
- Use fake info unless it’s the passport office
- Pretend to be Farang when in doubt
- Run Minecraft with UFW enabled
- Send scammer calls to your grandma, she’s been waiting for a fight
- Encrypt your rice cooker
Thailand may leak your data, but it can’t leak your vibes.
📝 Written from a Faraday Cage, powered by a LiFePO₄ station inside a Prius.
✊ MoNoRi-Chan, out.
