HowTo:Banned in China
"How to Get Your Website Blocked in China: Add Winnie the Pooh!"
Are you tired of your website being accessible to over a billion people in China? Do you dream of your site joining the illustrious ranks of Wikipedia, YouTube, and anything even vaguely fun? Well, boy, do we have the solution for you: Winnie the Pooh!
Yes, that lovable, honey-obsessed bear from your childhood is your golden ticket to earning a one-way trip to the Great Firewall. Here's how adding Pooh to your website can turn your URL into an inaccessible treasure on the other side of censorship.
Step 1: A Friendly Header Image
Start with something subtle—a picture of Winnie the Pooh waving. Bonus points if he’s holding a jar labeled “Honey” but the “H” is scratched out and replaced with an awkward “Xi.” Make sure to add a caption like, "Oh, bother! Somebody call the Thought Police!"
Step 2: Strategic SEO Tags
Optimize your website for search engines with terms like:
- “Xi Jinping Winnie the Pooh Meme”
- “Bear of Very Little Freedom”
- “China’s Silly Old Bear” Before you know it, web crawlers will flag you faster than Pooh finding a beehive.
Step 3: Interactive Content
Gamify the experience! Create a simple game where users guide Winnie the Pooh past obstacles like censorship stamps, banned books, and surveillance drones to find honey pots of “free speech.”
Don’t forget to add a special level called “Tiananmen Square 1989” that magically disappears after you click it.
Step 4: The Hidden Message
For advanced users, hide Easter eggs in your site’s code. Include ASCII art of Pooh and Piglet holding a sign that says, "Democracy is sweet as honey." Trust us, some bored state-sponsored web censor will find it—and they’ll love it.
Step 5: Pooh Quotes for Days
Sprinkle iconic Pooh Bear lines across your site, but with a cheeky twist:
- “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart. Like dissent in an authoritarian regime!”
- “Oh, bother! They’ve blocked my VPN again!”
- “Think, think, think... about what you’re allowed to think.”
Step 6: Add Winnie to Your Logo
Replace your website’s mascot with a slightly off-brand version of Winnie the Pooh. Name him something clever, like "Winnie the Prohibit" or "Pooh Xi."
If you’re feeling brave, animate him doing something rebellious, like tearing up a surveillance camera or sitting on the banned version of Google.
Step 7: Sit Back and Wait for the Ban
Once your masterpiece is live, enjoy a celebratory cup of tea while watching your analytics. Within days, your traffic from China will plummet to zero, replaced by a sudden spike in VPN searches.
Bonus: Leverage the Ban for Marketing
Turn your new status into a badge of honor. Add a banner that reads:
“Blocked in China! Proudly serving free minds since [insert year].”
You’ll have people lining up to see what all the fuss is about, and nothing screams “cool and edgy” like being too dangerous for an authoritarian regime.
Final Thoughts
Getting your website blocked in China doesn’t have to be complicated. Just follow these simple steps, add a touch of Pooh-flavored dissent, and you’ll be swimming in honey pots of controversy in no time.
Remember: the Great Firewall may block your site, but it can’t block the internet’s love for a silly old bear. Oh, bother, indeed.
