Google Chrome

DOJ Bravely Suggests Google Sell Chrome; Google Politely Explains That's Like Asking to Un-Bake a Cake

In today's thrilling episode of "Government vs. Big Tech," the US Department of Justice, having previously wagged a finger at Google for being suspiciously good at the whole 'search engine' thing, has conjured up a truly visionary solution: force Google to sell Chrome. Yes, Chrome. That niche little browser currently used by a paltry two-thirds of the entire connected world. A bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for 'em.

Naturally, Google executives, pausing momentarily from counting their mountains of cash, had to patiently explain the situation. Chrome's General Manager, Parisa Tabriz, essentially testified that Chrome isn't just software you can plonk onto a floppy disk (remember those?) and sell. Apparently, nifty features like "Warning: This Website Will Steal Your Cat Pics" (Safe Browse) and "Oops, Your Password Is All Over the Dark Web" alerts are surgically attached to Google's massive server farms. Who knew?

Furthermore, Google reminded everyone that they've basically been the development team for Chromium (the open-source skeleton Chrome is built on) for ages, contributing a measly 90%+ of the work since 2015. Trying to detangle Chrome from Google after 17 years, according to Tabriz, would be like trying to surgically remove 'awesome' from 'bacon'. It's just... part of the whole deal.

This, of course, tiptoes around the hilarious elephant in the room: maybe, just maybe, Chrome dominates because people actually like using it? Could it be that users, in a shocking display of free will, prefer a fast, integrated browser over the alternatives? Competitors like Microsoft Edge (constantly trying to set itself as your default PDF reader and shove Bing down your throat) or Firefox (remember Firefox? It remembers you!) are certainly... available. But Chrome's gargantuan market share suggests users might, dare we say, perceive it as simply better. It's a wild theory, we know. Is it truly a "monopoly" if the competition seems determined to trip over its own feet, offering experiences that make users flee faster than if you yelled "free Bing toolbar"?

But wait, there's more! The DOJ, not one to put all its antitrust eggs in one basket, also wants to stop Google from sliding suitcases full of cash to Apple just to remain the default search engine on Safari. Because nothing says "fair competition" like ensuring iPhone users have an equal chance of accidentally using something other than Google Search for the first time since 2007.

Meanwhile, the vultures are circling! Should the DOJ actually manage to force this bizarre corporate amputation, whispers suggest OpenAI, Perplexity, and – wait for it – Yahoo might be interested in buying the Chrome brand. One can only imagine the groundbreaking innovations Yahoo would bring. Maybe integrate a new button linking directly to your old GeoCities page?

So, will Chrome be ripped from Google's clutches and handed over to... well, someone else? Or will the courts concede that perhaps, just perhaps, you can't just sell off a deeply integrated product like it's a used lawnmower? Stay tuned for the next exciting installment, featuring more legal jargon, baffled engineers, and the ever-present, gentle hum of servers hosting a browser that billions actually choose to use.