FICO Score
FICO Score: Your Life’s Corporate MMR
In the grand game of capitalism, your FICO score isn’t just a number—it’s your MMR (Matchmaking Rating) for the financial Hunger Games. Lenders aren’t here to help you build wealth; they’re here to see how well you play the debt game.
Think of it as a leaderboard: the more debt you juggle (without dropping the ball), the higher your score. But unlike video games, where skill and strategy earn you respect, in this world, it’s about how good you are at dancing on the edge of financial ruin—without falling off.
The FICO Formula: Designed for Debt
Here’s how they decide if you’re worthy of more plastic rectangles with spending power:
🧾 Payment History (35%) – “Are you a good little debtor?”
This isn’t about your ability to save or invest—it’s about whether you make payments on time. Because being debt-free? Useless. Paying just enough to stay alive in the system? Now that’s a five-star performance.
💳 Amounts Owed (30%) – “Use it or lose it.”
Ever wondered why keeping a credit card at zero balance doesn’t boost your score? Because $0 doesn’t pay the banks. They want to see you use the credit—rack up those charges—but not too much. Just enough to look responsible while still being milked for interest.
⏳ Length of Credit History (15%) – “Loyalty to the grind.”
The longer you’ve been in this system, the better. Closed that dusty old card from 2009? Congrats, you just nuked your credit age. This isn’t about financial maturity—it’s about showing how long you’ve been a compliant cog in the debt machine.
🆕 New Credit (10%) – “Risk-taker or reckless?”
Apply for too many cards? You’re desperate. Apply for none? You’re boring. It’s a delicate balance. They want you curious, not chaotic.
🏦 Credit Mix (10%) – “Diverse debt portfolio, baby.”
Credit cards? Good. Auto loans? Better. A mortgage? Now you’re cooking. They love to see you juggling different types of debt—because why carry one ball when you can carry three?
The Debt Treadmill: Run, Don’t Escape
The genius of the FICO system is that it punishes you for opting out.
- Pay off all your debt and stop using credit? Score drops.
- Use too much credit? Score drops.
- Don’t open new lines of credit? Score stagnates.
You’re expected to be in a constant cycle of borrowing and repaying, like a hamster in a wheel—except the wheel’s on fire and the bank’s collecting interest.
The Ultimate Irony: Good Score ≠ Good Finances
The most FICO-optimized person isn’t debt-free. They’re the one carrying balances, making payments, and constantly playing the game. The system rewards you not for being financially healthy, but for being predictably profitable.
Because in this world, you’re not a person.
You’re a risk profile.
And your FICO score?
It’s just your creditworthiness K/D ratio. 💀💸
