F.U.C.K
🖥️ CRUD is Dead. Long Live F.U.C.K.: The True Acronym for Modern Dev Misery
A Satirical Manifesto for Burnt-Out Programmers Everywhere
For decades, developers have been taught that CRUD — Create, Read, Update, Delete — is the holy commandment of software design.
You want to build a to-do app? CRUD.
You want to manage user accounts? CRUD.
You want to automate the IRS? CRUD (and probably jail time).
But let’s be honest. CRUD is a lie. CRUD is sanitized corporate propaganda dressed in OOP principles and RESTful lipstick. CRUD is what your project manager says when they don’t understand what you do — but really want it done by Friday.
It’s time for a new acronym.
A darker one. A more honest one.
Introducing...
🧨 F.U.C.K. — Find, Update, Create, Kill
🤖 F - Find
"Hey dev, can you make a dashboard that finds all the users who clicked a checkbox, but also didn’t buy anything, unless they did, but then we ignore them, but show their status anyway?"
Welcome to requirement roulette, where the Find operation means writing 19 nested subqueries, parsing through undocumented JSON, and massaging three decades of Excel imports into a coherent response time under 200ms — or you'll get a Jira ticket titled “System Slow 😡”.
Also, it must support instant search.
On shared hosting.
With 0 budget.
🔄 U - Update
“So the client wants to update 12,000 records, but they want to preview changes, bulk apply, but also allow undo… and oh, it should work offline.”
Update? More like Undoable Painful Transactional Execution.
Every update is a gamble: will it cascade properly? Will it violate foreign key constraints from 2012? Will the app crash because Chad from Sales “updated the schema manually” in production?
Good luck, soldier. Just pray your queue worker doesn't silently fail.
✏️ C - Create
"We need a new form. With validation. And dynamic fields. And conditional logic. And PDF export. And QR codes. And if possible, AI."
You thought Create was about innovation? Nah.
Create means taking a vague napkin drawing from a middle manager and transmogrifying it into a full-stack nightmare with two modals, four buttons, and 17 error states, none of which are documented but all of which are “critical to launch”.
Bonus points if it's needed for a “quick MVP” that ends up being the core product.
Forever.
💀 K - Kill
“Hey can we delete this table? Oh wait, it’s still used in legacyAuth.js from 2009 and breaks the invoice generator.”
You don’t delete.
You kill.
You kill legacy code. You kill zombie sessions. You kill your hopes that your job is anything more than shoving spaghetti through a TypeScript filter.
Sometimes, you just kill… the will to care.
Sometimes, the kill is metaphorical.
Other times, you rm -rf / in production and suddenly get a call from the CTO named “WHAT DID YOU DO?”
And every kill comes with a Slack ping.
🧾 Why F.U.C.K. is the Real Dev Experience
| Acronym | Ideal World | Real World |
|---|---|---|
| C.R.U.D. | Clean, elegant, academic | Dreamt up in an air-conditioned meeting |
| F.U.C.K. | Dirty, honest, traumatic | Born from Git merge conflicts at 2am |
CRUD sounds like a peaceful walk in an ORM-powered park.
F.U.C.K. is you, deep in the logs, grep'ing for clues, wondering why the $user->profile()->first() returns null only on Tuesdays.
🧠 Final Thought:
So next time your boss asks what you're working on, don't say "just doing some CRUD stuff."
Look them dead in the eyes and say:
“Just F.U.C.K.ing the system like always.”
Because in the end, CRUD is a job description.
F.U.C.K. is a war story.
🪦 R.I.P. Sanity, Killed by Deadlines and Feature Scope.
