EssentialsX
The Cult of EssentialsX: Blessing of the Lazy Admins, Curse of the Unix Philosophy
A Satirical Glance by MoNoRi-Chan, Supreme Overlord of /gmc
“In the beginning, there was vanilla Minecraft. And it was good. But then an admin tried to teleport to a player. And lo, the server died.”
Somewhere in the server console of every Minecraft SMP admin’s deepest nightmares lies the following string:
[Essentials] Found unsupported version of economy plugin xConomy, loading anyway. Godspeed.
Welcome, comrades, to the EssentialsX Experience™ — the all-in-one multi-tool that is either the savior of understaffed survival servers or the bloated Linux distro equivalent of Minecraft plugin development. Think of it as the Microsoft Office of Bukkit: everyone has it, no one uses all of it, and half the people complain about it, but still install it anyway. Yes, even you, Chad who hates /home but still uses /spawn.
And yes, MoNoRi-Chan is part of this cult of convenience too. But unlike the true heretics, he actually configures the damn thing.
EssentialsX: The Plugin That Does Too Much™
EssentialsX is a modular rewrite of the old Essentials plugin, which was itself a monument to server-side maximalism. Want chat formatting? Economy? TPA? AntiBuild? XMPP? GeoIP tracking like it’s 2009 and you’re running a Counter-Strike 1.6 LAN party in Siberia? You got it.
Need a plugin to do just one thing like teleport players? Too bad. Here’s /tpa, /tpahere, /tpaccept, /tpdeny, /tptoggle, and probably a /tpadancebattle if you forgot to disable that one weird module.
But the real kicker? It hijacks every single vanilla command like a jealous ex with root access.
/msg? Taken./kill? Redirected./ban? Hijacked./gmc? Somehow works better than/gamemode creativeand you know you love it.
Why Admins Hate EssentialsX But Still Use It
On the surface, EssentialsX sounds like a godsend — and it is, for Lazy Admins. Not the useless kind, mind you. The good kind. The efficiently lazy kind, like MoNoRi-Chan, who knows that spinning up 30 different micro-plugins just to do what EssentialsX does in one .jar file is not "minimalism", it's masochism.
But EssentialsX gets flamed harder than a Wither on fire:
- "It doesn’t follow the Unix philosophy!" Yes. Correct. It's the opposite. It's more like a plugin buffet where instead of small, composable utilities, you get one massive plugin that gives you diarrhea if you eat it all without configuring it first.
- "I hate how it hijacks everything!" You installed the core module and 6 others without turning off a single command override. You did this. You.
- "I want a vanilla feel!" Then why did you install the plugin that gives every player a golden shovel and a free book about
/spawnlike it's a tourist brochure? - "It needs 1000 lines of config changes!" That’s true. Which is why MoNoRi-Chan actually configured it — now
/rulesbrings up his anti-corporate manifesto and/spawndumps players into the Church of GabeN.
The Economy Angle: Where Vault and EssentialsX Form a Capitalist Marriage
Vault, the Modern Minecraft Monetary Theory middleman, lets plugins talk to each other like awkward bureaucrats at a G20 meeting. It supports any economy plugin — from iConomy (blessed be the boomers), to the weird Chinese xConomy fork, to TNE (The Notoriously Esoteric) with GUIs designed like you're launching a rocket.
EssentialsX plugs into Vault like it's trying to make a deal with the World Bank. It doesn’t care if your server uses dirt blocks as currency or NFTs backed by cooked salmon — as long as you have Vault, you’re in business.
And Vault?
Vault never updates. It’s the cockroach of the Minecraft plugin ecosystem.
Because it doesn’t need to. It is not an economy plugin.
It is an economy protocol.
And EssentialsX speaks Vault so fluently you’d think it was raised in a server room with a silver command block.
Art3mis Server: MoNoRi-Chan’s Masterpiece of Controlled Essentials Madness
MoNoRi-Chan doesn’t hate EssentialsX. He just respects it enough to tame it.
Every command alias, every chat prefix, every economy node is configured to near-perfection. /mail send works. /warp leads to properly planned cities. /gmc doesn't even feel like a sin anymore.
The EssentialsX Chat plugin syncs with LuckPerms and Vault so hard, even Discord roles bow in acknowledgement when you become [DirtBillionaire] in-game.
And AntiBuild? MoNoRi-Chan knows you’re trying to craft illegal items in the spawn zone. You will be smitten. With a command block. From 500 blocks away.
EssentialsX may not be minimal.
It may not be "cool" like custom plugins or writing your own /home method in Kotlin at 3AM.
But it's functional. It's complete. It's dangerously convenient.
Final Verdict:
EssentialsX isn’t a bad plugin. It just needs a leash.
If you’re the kind of admin who installs it and complains that /gamemode creative doesn’t work because /gmc took over, maybe... just maybe... you’re the problem.
But if you're like MoNoRi-Chan?
Configuring EssentialsX is your rite of passage.
Your server is your temple.
And /gmc is your holy chant.
Blessed be the Lazy Admins. May your config files be YAML-validated and your players never find the /back loophole.
