Employee Benefits

Being a wagie has its benefits, we'll explore these benefits:

Paid Poop time

who's first to take the Throne in the Morning after the clock in?

In the grand theater of corporate absurdities, few rituals transcend the comical like the clandestine art of paid poop time. As the saying goes, "Boss makes a dollar, I made a dime; that's why I poop on company time" It's a clandestine maneuver passed down through generations of disgruntled employees, a rebellion against the time-theft hierarchy.

The origin story of this peculiar practice dates back to the hallowed halls of youth, where the practicality of pooping outside your house was discouraged with dire warnings of potential schoolyard shame. The fear of getting called out for the audible echoes of nature's call haunted every school bathroom trip, turning each visit into a covert operation worthy of a spy thriller.

However, as the youth blossomed into full-fledged corporate warriors, a seismic shift occurred. Pooping in the school, once a potential source of humiliation, transformed into a strategic maneuver, a pawn moved deftly on the chessboard of office politics. The practicality of paid poop time became a satirical incentive for seasoned professionals who had cracked the code.

In the morning hours, as the office doors creaked open and the fluorescent lights hummed to life, a seasoned employee would seize the prime time for maximum paid benefits. This was no ordinary bathroom break; it was a tactical maneuver, a choreographed dance between the biological clock and the ticking time bomb of corporate expectations.

The allure of paid poop time lay not just in the financial gains but in the subversive thrill of reclaiming stolen moments. As the employee embraced the porcelain throne, the minutes ticked away, each second adding a few more cents to the invisible paycheck. It was a quiet rebellion against the invisible chains of the time-theft hierarchy.

In hushed tones, employees exchanged knowing glances in the restroom, forming an unspoken camaraderie over the shared secret of paid poop time. The restroom, once a nondescript space for personal relief, transformed into a sanctuary of rebellion, a refuge for those who dared to challenge the rigid constructs of corporate time management.

The absurdity of this practice was not lost on the participants. They chuckled at the irony of the corporate world, where the subtle act of bodily functions became a form of protest. And so, the age-old adage echoed through the cubicles: "boss makes a dollar, I made a dime; that's why I poop on company time." For in the laughter shared over shared secrets, employees found a way to reclaim a slice of absurdity in the corporate comedy.

PPT Tutorial

Just don't go to work late so no one would try to conquest the conquer of porcelain throne.

Manager: Welcome to your first day at Ponderville Inc.! We're thrilled to have you on board. Now, before you dive into that TPS report, let's get you acclimated to one of our most valuable employee benefits: paid poop time!

Employee (Eyes widen): Paid...poop time?

Manager: Absolutely! We understand that peak productivity requires peak, uh, clearance. That's why we've invested in the Ponderville, our state-of-the-art restroom facility.

(Manager ushers the employee towards a doorway decorated with a babbling brook mural.)

Manager: Here we have a variety of thoughtfully curated stalls, each designed to maximize your…contemplation time.

(The door creaks open to reveal a stall with a miniature Zen garden complete with a raked sandpit, a tiny bamboo water feature, and strategically placed inspirational quotes on the wall.)

Employee: (Stuttering) This is…a lot to take in.

Manager: Don't worry, it takes some getting used to! But trust us, after a few sessions listening to the calming gurgling of the water feature, you'll be back at your desk feeling refreshed and ready to tackle any spreadsheet.

Employee: But won't, you know, the actual work pile up while I'm…disconnecting from reality?

Manager: (Chuckles) Nonsense! That's what deadlines are for! Besides, a well-cleared mind is a productive mind. Now, go forth and…conquer your colon!

(Employee enters the stall, bewildered. A faint "om" and splash of him dropping his kids at the pool can be heard emanating from a nearby stall.)