Database Administrator

Job Description: Database Administrator (DBA)

Position Overview:

Do you enjoy being invisible until catastrophe strikes? Are you prepared to be blamed for every system hiccup, even if it’s caused by something wildly out of your control (like Greg from Marketing deciding to run a SELECT * on a billion-row table)? If so, we have the perfect role for you! As a Database Administrator (DBA), you'll silently ensure the company's data infrastructure remains unbroken, unnoticed, and underappreciated—until something breaks, and suddenly, you're everyone's favorite scapegoat.

Key Responsibilities:

• Be a Silent Guardian: Maintain, monitor, and optimize database performance like a ghost. No one will acknowledge your work unless something goes wrong.
• Defuse Explosions: Investigate and fix issues caused by developers who "read a StackOverflow post" and decided to index their JSON blobs.
• Blame Absorption: Take full responsibility for outages, slowdowns, and Greg’s data dumps into production, even when it’s clearly not your fault.
• Human Alert System: Be ready to receive panicked Slack messages at 3 a.m. like, “The app’s down. Is it the database?!” Spoiler: It’s never the database.
• Fortune Teller Duties: Predict the future with capacity planning and backups that everyone ignores—until they lose data.
• Database Whisperer: Train developers on best practices they'll immediately forget or ignore. Repeat this process indefinitely.

Requirements:

• Expertise in SQL, NoSQL, and the emotional resilience of a punching bag.
• Familiarity with cloud platforms, because "we’re moving everything to the cloud... again."
• Ability to decipher vague error messages like "Something went wrong."
• Strong communication skills to explain why you’re not actually the one who broke production—again.
• A black belt in Googling obscure database errors that have no StackOverflow answers.
• Willingness to work weekends because the company just had to deploy during Friday happy hour.

Benefits:

• The satisfaction of knowing the system is stable—until someone decides to YOLO a schema change without telling you.
• Exposure to cutting-edge database technologies that will make your life harder.
• Company swag, like a stress ball you’ll definitely need and a mug that says, "It’s always the DBA’s fault."
• Plenty of practice in staying calm while people shout “IS IT FIXED YET?!” five minutes after reporting an issue.

Why Join Us?

If you thrive in high-pressure environments where the stakes are data integrity and your reward is being left alone for a day, then come work with us! The company promises to "value your work," but let’s be honest—we only call you when the system’s on fire.

Apply now and prepare to become the most invisibly indispensable person on the team!