Colonizer

Colonizer: When "Sharing is Caring" Went Horribly Wrong

Or as the Brits spell it—Coloniser—because they can't help but add extra letters where they don’t belong. Much like they did with continents.

History has a habit of painting colonizers as brave explorers, daring adventurers, or men with funny hats and even funnier mustaches. But let’s call it what it really was: a global-scale “roommate from hell” situation—where the roommate doesn’t just hog the fridge space but kicks you out of the house, claims it as his own, and then lectures you about “civilization” while burning your garden down.

The colonizer was, at its core, someone so disastrously bad at managing their own land (cough looking at you, medieval Europe cough) that they had to pack up their boats, cross oceans, and ruin things for everyone else. It’s like a bad Airbnb guest who leaves with your TV, drinks your liquor cabinet dry, and then demands you say “thank you” for the cultural exchange.

Africa? Oh, just a prime example of what happens when colonizers decide your natural resources look “too delicious to be left alone.” Violence? Check. Arbitrary borders? Check. Centuries of socio-economic fallout? Double check. But hey, at least there’s a nice railway system left behind, right? (Spoiler: It was built solely to extract resources faster.)

Let’s not forget their favorite pastime—forcing religious ideologies down everyone’s throats. Nothing says “love thy neighbor” quite like showing up uninvited, declaring the locals savages, and then burning their temples down in the name of salvation.

But the real comedy gold comes during the American Colonies period. The British set up shop, taxed their tea, and called it a day—until the colonists realized King George III was about to financially bend them over without even the courtesy of a reach-around. So, what did these freedom-loving lads do? They declared independence! 🎆🇺🇸

But wait—before you grab that bald eagle plushie—remember, these same revolutionaries were all about “liberty and justice” while simultaneously expanding westward in what they called Manifest Destiny—which is just a fancy term for “your land is my land now.” They booted Native Americans off their ancestral lands faster than you can say “Trail of Tears” and called it progress.

The irony? The descendants of colonizers now get mad when immigrants move into their neighborhoods. Oh, how the tables have turned.

In the end, the colonizer’s legacy is a mixed bag of stolen artifacts in British museums, awkward history classes, and countries still trying to untangle the mess left behind. But hey, at least we got the English language out of it. Now we can all unite in calling them out—together.

Cheers, colonizers. You really left your mark.