Captain China
Captain China: The People's Hero of the Glorious Motherland
In a world plagued by Western superheroes, one man stands tall—Major Steve Long-jah, aka Captain China! Equipped with state-of-the-art, single-use Chinesium shields, a megaphone that blasts Mao Zedong’s wisdom at 120 decibels, and enhanced bat-virus biology, he is the ultimate product of state-sponsored heroism.
Origins: The Birth of a National Icon
Long before America injected its weak capitalist supersoldiers with Vibranium-laced serums, China had its own plan. The People's Liberation Army, backed by the finest minds from Wuhan's most secretive bio-labs, created a new breed of hero using an ultra-refined strain of bat virus.
Unlike Captain America, who got his powers from a syringe full of patriot juice, Captain China inhaled the virus straight from the source—a lab bat named Comrade Squeaks. His transformation was instant:
✔ Superhuman strength (especially when lifting unauthorized political books off the shelves)
✔ Flight (achieved through rapid ultrasonic echolocation)
✔ Enhanced perception (he can detect social credit score violations from 50 meters away)
✔ Super lung capacity (to shout slogans louder than any protester)
With his transformation complete, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) granted him the ultimate weapon of the proletariat: The Megaphone of Revolutionary Thought.
His Arsenal: More Effective Than Democracy
🔴 The Chinesium Shield™ – Unlike the decadent American Vibranium, Chinesium is proudly made with 75% recycled aluminum, 20% mystery metals, and 5% CCP spirit. This makes it the most efficient single-use shield in existence! Unfortunately, after deflecting one bullet, it disintegrates into dust, which is perfectly in line with the Party’s planned obsolescence policy.
🔴 The Megaphone of Maoist Enlightenment – No need for punching when you can blast high-decibel propaganda directly into your enemy’s brain. A single “Common Prosperity!” shout can render capitalist villains unconscious for hours.
🔴 The Bat Virus Enhancement – With his unique biologically modified abilities, Captain China can fly through 5G towers undetected and echolocate political dissidents within seconds. Scientists say his transformation is irreversible, which is exactly what the CCP wanted.
Notable Missions & Feats of Heroism
🟡 Operation Great Firewall – When cybercriminals tried to spread Western media inside China, Captain China personally swooped down from the skies and blocked their IP addresses with his bare hands.
🟡 The Battle of Hong Kong – Using non-lethal crowd control methods (AKA, very lethal crowd control methods), Captain China singlehandedly turned peaceful protests into "harmonious demonstrations."
🟡 The Taiwan Liberation Arc – While American superheroes wasted time fighting cosmic threats, Captain China bravely attempted to "liberate" Taiwan. Unfortunately, his Chinesium-powered jet crashed before takeoff.
Rivalries: The Enemies of the Glorious People’s Republic
🛑 Captain America – The poster boy for Western imperialist aggression. Captain China sees him as an overhyped gym rat whose shield doesn’t even shatter on impact.
🛑 Iron Man – This capitalist billionaire is a threat to the collective good. Captain China has vowed to redistribute all of Stark Industries’ wealth (by seizing it for the state).
🛑 Winnie the Pooh – A dangerous Western propaganda symbol that must be erased from history at all costs.
Final Thoughts: The Future of Captain China
With his indestructible resolve (but highly destructible shield), Captain China continues to fight for the glory of the state, the supremacy of the CCP, and the eternal censorship of anything mildly critical.
Rumors suggest that he may join the "Greater Socialist Avengers" alongside Comrade Hulk (who only smashes landlords) and Doctor Strange (renamed to Doctor Sensible to better fit socialist realism).
But one thing is clear:
As long as dissent exists, as long as Chinesium factories keep producing shields, and as long as the bat virus remains stable, Captain China will be there to defend the Motherland!
Approved by the Ministry of Heroic Affairs. Any unauthorized reproduction of this article will be met with mandatory re-education. 🚨
