Apple Watch
Title: “Apple Watch: The Rolex of Surveillance and the Tamagotchi You Must Charge Daily”
Let’s talk about watches, shall we? Once upon a time, they were simple instruments of timekeeping. You had a Seiko — solid, elegant, ran for years on a single battery or, hell, powered by sunlight like a tiny wrist-bound deity. It told you one thing: the time. Then along came Apple, and said:
“What if… your watch could track your every step, heart rate, sleep cycle, bowel movement, and emotional damage… but couldn’t survive 24 hours without clinging to a proprietary charger like a dying Roomba?”
Enter the Apple Watch.
The first wristwatch that says: “Hey, I know you're asleep, but your resting heart rate is kinda mid. Also, you should close your exercise ring.”
🧠 Cult of the Charging Cable
Apple fans — excuse me, Apple Bros™ — will defend this like it's the holy grail wrapped in aluminum and overpriced rubber.
They’ll say:
- “You just need to charge it while you’re in the shower!”
- “It’s fine, I charge it twice a day!”
- “Bro it saved my life, it told me I was stressed!”
Meanwhile, their Seiko-wearing grandfather is out here watching time pass gracefully, without syncing his soul to a satellite or worrying about firmware updates while taking a dump.
But no, the Apple Watch must be nurtured. It’s not a tool, it’s a needy digital pet. A Tamagotchi that shames you for not standing up enough.
📬 Notifications, Now With Extra Wrist Anxiety
Before, you got emails, texts, and Slack pings on your phone. You could ignore them like a true capitalist burnout.
Now?
They’re on your wrist, buzzing like a mosquito powered by FOMO and caffeine:
- “You’ve got a Teams message!”
- “Your Amazon package shipped!”
- “Your heart rate spiked because Karen replied all again!”
- “Time to breathe. Again. Because you forgot to. Again.”
And let’s not forget the ultimate dystopian moment: getting a Starbucks ad while jogging. You’re gasping for air, and suddenly your wrist says:
“Would you like a pumpkin spice latte to go with that cardiac arrest?”
🛠️ Features You Didn’t Ask For
We used to look at watches and ask, “Does it tick?”
Now we ask, “Does it:
- count how many minutes I sat on the toilet?
- track my REM sleep while I have panic attacks?
- know more about my reproductive cycle than I do?
- notify me when I forgot to breathe because late-stage capitalism is crushing my will to live?”
Yes. Yes, it does. And it also reminds you you’ve burned 1.5 calories pacing while overthinking your ex's last text.
🔋 The Future is Now, But It’s Low on Battery
Meanwhile, wearable tech brands followed Apple’s lead like lemmings marching toward USB-C hell.
Garmin? Fitbit? Samsung Galaxy Watches?
All charging daily now.
Because why have a timeless piece of craftsmanship when you can have a device that needs more power than your relationship?
🎤 Final Thoughts from MoNoRi-Chan’s Wrist-Worn Surveillance Rant
Look, if I wanted to be tracked 24/7, guilt-tripped into moving every hour, and fed corporate propaganda while jogging, I’d just move back into a smart prison.
But here we are. Paying $400+ for a square device that monitors everything except your crushing debt and existential dread.
And all of this…
Because someone said, “What if we made a watch, but worse — and more expensive?”
And Apple Bros replied:
“Take my money. Also, my biometric data.”
⌚⚡📉
Time is money. But with the Apple Watch, you get to watch both run out — in real time.
