Agent#47
🕵️ Satirical Article: “Agent #47 Strikes Again — The Phantom of Mex-ology”
“No, not the bald dude with a barcode. That’s Hitman. This one’s worse. This one has MySQL privileges.”
🚨BREAKING: Mex-ology System Under Siege by Elite Operative Known Only As Agent #47
Deep in the heart of the Ministry of Education’s custom Laravel system, a phantom stalks the routes, slicing through performance like a dull knife through cold RAM.
The locals know his name.
Developers whisper it during code reviews.
Sysadmins pray he doesn’t show up during exams week.
He is... Agent #47.
But not that Agent 47 — not the suit-wearing, piano-wire-wielding assassin from video games.
No, this is #47, as in:
“We’ve got a serious performance issue on student dashboard. Again? Yeah, it’s just #47.”
📖 Origin Story: The Legend of #47
It began innocently — back in academic year 2562. The database was light. Only 341 students. You could foreach() without fear. You could ->get()->first() and nobody died.
Back then, MoNoRi-Chan was just a mercenary programmer. Elon Lex (local software emperor and walking KPI chart) gave him a dream job: build a school transport and subscription management system that didn’t suck.
But with each passing year, something began to grow. Not love. Not revenue. Not tech budget...
❗ STUDENT RECORD COUNT:
- 2562: 341
- 2563: 226
- 2564: 338
- 2565: 483
- 2568: 1438 and counting...
And in every loop, in every innocent Student::with('invoices')->get()...
He was there. Watching. Plotting.
Agent #47: The living embodiment of Technical Debt and N+1 Query Hell.
🎯 His Weapon of Choice: N+1 Queries
Some say he was created when a junior dev tried to loop $students->unpaidInvoices() inside a Blade template.
Others say he is the Blade template.
Whatever the case, production fans now spin at 4000RPM every time the Transport KPI page loads.
"This isn’t a server anymore, it’s a Dyson vacuum," muttered one sysadmin.
📉 Elon Lex Reacts: "Why Is This So Slow?"
In a recent Zoom call (recorded without consent, for satire purposes), Elon Lex was heard screaming:
“MoNoRi-Chan, why does opening a PDF take longer than printing it on a dot-matrix printer!?”
To which our techno-mercenary coolly replied:
“Look, boss. When I wrote that dashboard back in 2562, we had 341 students. It wasn’t a dashboard... it was a dream. Now, with 1438 records and 5 joins per student? That’s not a dashboard. That’s Goddamn Query Simulator 3000™.”
💾 The Real Problem? Nobody Paid Off the Technical Debt
The devs knew the queries were slow. The cache keys were band-aids. The memory leaks were winks and nods.
But nobody paid back the loan.
And like all debts... it accrues interest.
Now Agent #47 has grown stronger. He's in your eager loading. He’s in your recursive ->hasManyThrough(). He’s even inside your @foreach inside another @foreach.
No amount of Docker scaling can save you. Redis can’t bribe him. Only a total code refactor can delete the contract that summoned him.
🧠 Moral of the Story?
Next time your page takes 10 seconds to load and your server whispers "kill me"...
Just remember:
That’s not a bug.
That’s not slow hardware.
That’s not student load.
That’s #47 doing his job.
And the only one who can stop him…
Is the one who created him:
💻 MoNoRi-Chan, Fullstack Mercenary & Laravel Vanquisher of the Fallen Loops
⚠️ This article was paid for using Redis-backed Cache. No ORMs were hurt in the making of this satire. Maybe. 💬 Next time on Mex-ology Chronicles: “Agent #69 - The one who disabled foreign key checks and walked away like nothing happened.”
