23andMe
23andMe Declares Bankruptcy, Auctions Off Your DNA: “It’s Not You, It’s Your Data”
The Genetic Gold Rush Ends in a Corporate Faceplant, But Don’t Worry, Your Genome is Totally in Trusted Hands—Just Not Yours Anymore.
In a shocking twist that surprised absolutely no one with a functioning sense of skepticism, 23andMe—the Silicon Valley darling that once promised to decode your entire genetic blueprint for the price of a cheap dinner date—has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and is now auctioning off user data like it's a Black Friday doorbuster sale.
The company's CEO, in a press release written entirely in Comic Sans, assured the public: “Your data is still safe with us. Unless we sell it. Then it’s safe with someone else.” Comforting.
The Fire Sale of Your Genetic Soul
The auction catalog reportedly includes:
- 12 million anonymized-but-actually-pretty-easy-to-reidentify DNA profiles,
- Hundreds of “Spit Kits” used by celebrities and at least one U.S. Senator,
- And a thumb drive labeled “Jeffrey’s Super Soldier Project (WIP).”
Insurance companies, pharmaceutical giants, shadowy biotech firms, and at least one vampire-looking billionaire have already placed aggressive bids. The highest so far? $69 million from a “longevity startup” based in a decommissioned missile silo.
Internet Commenters Knew All Along
The public, as always, had strong opinions and even stronger "I-told-you-so" energy:
“I was once curious to have my DNA tested, but glad I smartened up. I said this was gonna happen. Next thing you know, they’re selling it to insurance companies so you get denied for asthma from 3rd grade.” – User_420Nope
“Your data is safe with us… unless it’s no longer ours!” – @CynicalBoomer69, who may or may not have read the entire ToS in 2013.
“Sad part is, if your cousin did it, you might as well say you did it too. Familial DNA be snitching on everybody. One minute you’re baking cookies, next minute they’re knocking on your door asking about a robbery in '97.” – JusticeForUncleRick
“Rich people gonna start CRISPR-ing their babies with your genes while you get denied for health coverage ‘cause your genome has commitment issues.” – GenZGeneWarrior
“Glad I’m Canadian.” – Everyone who doesn’t live in the U.S., constantly.
Legacy of the Spit Empire
Let us not forget: 23andMe started with the noble dream of democratizing genetic information, giving the average person access to ancestry results, health insights, and the awkward knowledge that your dad isn’t your dad. But dreams die, especially when they involve free markets, surveillance capitalism, and a trillion-dollar insurance lobby.
The bigger concern? If a family member used 23andMe, your genetic privacy is already compromised. That’s right. Your uncle Dave’s curiosity may have just landed you in a federal cold case.
“A blessing and a curse,” says one netizen. “Mostly a curse if you committed arson in 2002.”
In Conclusion: Don’t Spit—Quit
As the wreckage of the direct-to-consumer DNA testing industry smolders, remember the eternal lesson of late-stage capitalism: If it’s free (or cheap), you are the product.
So, next time someone offers to tell you what percent Neanderthal you are, maybe just ask grandma instead. At least she won’t sell your helix to Pfizer for a sandwich and stock options.
Coming soon: 24andMe – now with blockchain and AI!
Because we never learn.
Want this as a zine or narrated by a synthwave robot? Just say the word.
