2028 American Jobs Protection Act
The American Jobs Protection Act of 2028: A Dystopian Love Letter to Human Labor in the Age of AI
As the green-eyed owl of Duolingo stares menacingly at what's left of our workforce, and CEOs toast champagne over the charred remains of their HR departments, the United States Congress—still mostly human, somehow—finally says:
"Enough is enough. They really took our jerbs."
Enter the American Jobs Protection Act of 2028, a bold, begrudging, and perhaps slightly panicked legislative effort to put the brakes on the runaway corporate AI arms race.
Because when every call center becomes a language model, every help desk ticket is answered by an LLM named ChadGPT, and every retail store is staffed by emotionally numb robot dogs in Target vests, someone has to draw the line before we all become irrelevant side characters in an Apple Vision Pro metaverse dystopia.
🏛️ Key Provisions of the AJPA 2028
1. The 51% Rule
Every company with over 100 employees (or, formerly had 100 employees) must ensure at least 51% of labor hours are performed by human beings.
Yes, flesh-and-blood, tax-paying, coffee-drinking, union-forming humans.
Failing to meet this?
The company pays a “Synthetic Labor Tax,” which scales exponentially with each AI replacement and funds Universal Basic Retraining (UBR) programs.
2. AI Layoff Transparency Mandate
If a corporation wants to replace 1,000 workers with AI, it must submit:
- A Reasonable Justification for Replacement (RJR) document
- Proof of Severance Packages (6 months minimum)
- A Human Displacement Impact Report, reviewed by a new agency: OSHAI (Occupational Safety & Humanity Administration Initiative)
Also, public hearings must be held with affected communities before any mass replacement.
Because if you're going to obliterate the local economy, at least look them in the eyes first.
3. Digital Sweatshop Ban
Offloading your AI training labor to overseas click farms now counts as a "digital labor violation."
All training datasets must be ethically sourced, fair-trade, and U.S.-audited.
Yes, even if you were scraping Reddit comments at 2AM.
4. Data Sovereignty & Infrastructure Investments
To prevent U.S. jobs from being routed through Amazon data centers in international tax havens, the act provides:
- $100B in federal subsidies for American Data Center Expansion (a.k.a. Datacenter Industrial Complex 2.0)
- Incentives for “American Model Only” (AMO) AI development — models trained, hosted, and updated within U.S. borders.
America must own its algorithms — or at least pretend to.
5. The Robo-Union Clause
All AI systems operating in a workplace environment must be accompanied by a Human Labor Advocate — a real person empowered to report violations, monitor job displacement, and make sure robots don’t get all the prime parking spots.
Optional: Monthly lunch with AI agents for "relationship-building."
📉 Corporate Reactions: "Our Profits Screamed, but We’re Still Rich"
Tech giants have, of course, responded with fury. Open letters have been signed. Think tanks have declared it “The Death of Innovation.” Meanwhile, shareholders have discovered that… they’re still making absurd amounts of money — just slightly slower.
CEOs are now required to host “AI-Human Collaboration Days”, where they awkwardly pose with the last two interns they didn’t replace (yet) and pretend it's all a "blended future."
🧠 Why This Matters
The truth is simple: The economy was meant to serve people — not just optimize margins for the 0.01%.
If we let corporations replace entire industries with AI while pretending to “empower workers,” the end result isn’t innovation — it’s mass unemployability with a ChatGPT smile.
The American Jobs Protection Act of 2028 may not stop the future, but it reminds us that humans have a right to exist in it.
Because if we don't regulate it now, someday the only thing left working… will be the servers.
And they'll be the ones sending us push notifications.
Would you like to apply for a job… or be replaced by something that already did?
